Last month we celebrated another anniversary and he decided to do something big and lavish again. He kept tiptoeing around, though, trying to be sensitive to me and meet my expectations. I found myself cringing...the effects of the events four years ago were still impacting our marriage. I needed to take measures to break them immediately. I realized I needed to give my husband permission (ack, there's that word again) to love me. That sounds so simple, but it really was quite difficult.
Darling, you decide where we're going, when we leave and who cares for the children. Honey, you choose what we do (dinner, movie, ice skating, etc...) and just tell me when to be ready and whether I should dress for outdoors, indoors or formal. I don't need to control the plans, the details...I trust you. I will receive your gift of time, food, gifts, that you choose with all the love I sincerely believe you intend. Period.
I am a camel (a future blog, I promise) and do not handle chaos and unknowns well. I have come a long way and regularly live with last minute plans and details yet to be determined. I am raising at least one monkey and a turtle (what?) and I am learning to give them the space and encouragement they need to be who they are, not mini mes, but truly their own persons. But holy cow...in the midst of the chaos of the holidays and something as significant as our anniversary, to not only let go of all control, but to choose to accept whatever is given (even if it's not what I would have chosen) was a big step for me. Please don't judge. Find the camel in your life and ask...(again, another post, I promise).
My dearest husband arranged the care he felt was needed for our children and told me to be ready for a formal evening by 1:30pm. That was it.
Two hours later, I found myself in a salon in Des Moines getting a manicure (I can count on one hand how many of those I've ever had and never in a salon!). Then he took me to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (only the second time I've ever eaten there...oh, so good!). As we were eating he said some really nice words about the woman, wife and mother I have become and then gave me this ring...
When we were married, we were dirt poor. We had barely enough to scrape by each month. So when he asked if I wanted an engagement ring, I said no. Diamonds just weren't important, eating was. In fact we didn't even exchange wedding bands at the ceremony. We saved up and bought them for our fifth anniversary. As the years went by, I had hoped our finances would allow for a small diamond ring, but something else always took precedence over diamonds. As more years went by, I realized an anniversary band made more sens as I felt this fit my lifestyle more. But still, diamonds didn't make it high enough on the list of places to put our money. A couple months ago, I saw this ring in a Kohl's ad at a ridiculously reduced price. I hinted that maybe it would be a good alternative and that maybe these diamonds could make it in the budget. He found a way and I am in love. Not because it is the ring I always wanted, it isn't. But because I know he gave it with all the love in his heart.
I know I am his one and only and every time I look at this ring, I am reminded that he stepped outside of his comfort zone to get this for me, he sacrificed to bring me joy. I gave him permission and he went above and beyond. But I had to give myself permission too. Permission to receive is maybe even harder than permission to give...I have a feeling I am not at the end of this lesson yet, but can say I am excited to have made it this far!
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