Legacy

I have struggled with this post for several months, trying to process what I really want to share balanced with who I may hurt by what I have to say. I don't know that I have found all the answers yet, but feel the time has come to at least try and say it. So, here goes:

Many years ago, I came to the realization that my parents were imperfect, as were their parents before them and their parents before them and so on...and that I would be an imperfect parent as well. Perfectionism is a carrot to chase not a goal to reach. I can seek to be better, smarter, more organized and more prepared, but it won't make my perfect. I am human and I will make mistakes, as do all human beings. I can be frustrated with something my father did, my mother said, my grandmother criticized, but the reality is they did the best they could. In the moments when I am sure I am failing my children, I remind myself that I am doing the best I can. I allow myself a bit of grace and forgiveness, as I do my parents and those that shaped my childhood.

I accept this as truth, but something about it bothered me and it wasn't until I was in the throws of last fall (which I will blog more about next month) that I began to see that there was more to this. It is one thing to accept reality, but quite another to stay stagnant in it. I will never be perfect, but I can strive to be better. I cannot change the legacy (the things that happened in the past or that come from someone in the past) that was passed down to me, but I can strive to change it for the generations that I pass it down too.

And this is where the challenge comes, as I was journalling one afternoon, to identify the parts of my family's legacy that I am not ok with and take the steps needed to begin changing it. Here is what I wrote:

"I will break the patterns of emotional distancing, of the mindset that I am just a victim of my circumstances, of depression, of defeat to the 'way things have always been.' I am a God-bringer, His ambassador, His beloved, a child of the One True King. I am victorious in Christ and with Him working through me defeat is not in my vocabulary."

We went to see my dad shortly after I wrote this. It was the first time I had seen him in more than a decade. He had never met my two younger children, and my older two had been under four years old when they met him. He and I have always had a strained relationship, but on this trip I felt challenged to face reality and prepare to model the changes I wanted to make for our family, for future generations. As he distanced, I stood firm, communicating to the kids that this may be who grandpa is, but not who we are. As he made excuses, I knocked them down, affirming the truth the kids knew but were confused by. As he made empty promises which are so familiar to me, I confronted them, not allowing the pattern to continue. I validated the children's feelings, confirmed truth, combated lies (or half truths) and left feeling strong for the first time in my life and not like the victim I was so comfortable playing.

I want to be clear:  I love my father and I believe he loves me. I do not hold anger or resentment or unforgiveness towards my father. I am choosing not to believe the lies, not to accept the status quo, not to claim the helpless victim as my role. I am choosing to live in the truth, to seek the extraordinary, to be the conqueror.

I know I may not succeed at this venture, I am not perfect after all, but I would rather fail while attempting to try, than to have never tried at all. And maybe, just maybe, I can change the legacy enough to open future generations up to the possibilities that I am only dreaming of...and that is a legacy I am at peace with.

 "Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are"*

(*Be Thou My Vision) 

Sewing: Apprentice

My eldest daughter has been learning to sew this past year. She stared with a couple simple baby blankets and last Christmas made a couple quilted hot pads. This Christmas she was ready to make some on her own. I am excited to share her adventures with you!

For this project, she starts with an irregular polygon cut from her main fabric.

Then, she pins it on a base fabric that will not be seen on the finished product. For the hot pads, she used 8 1/2 inch squares, but this could be modified larger for pillows or quilt squares and assembled for a large quilt.

From here, she takes a strip of coordinating fabric and pins it to the shortest side of the polygon and sews them together to the base fabric, presses it open, and then continues around the other sides working out until all the base fabric is covered.

Next, she has mom help trim up the sides, then she sandwiches the quilted top and a coordinating backing fabric with an insulated lining, a special batting (Insul-Brite). She sews around the hot pad, turns it and top stitches the opening closed.

Once it is all completed, she finishes it with a decorative stitch around the center fabric.

I am so excited to see her growing in her creativity and independence. She had so much fun making these and great joy in giving them! Did you make any gifts this past year? I would love to hear about them!

Drumroll please...

After some journalling, processing and a conversation with a friend, I have chosen my word for this year:  Clarity. By definition it means "clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity" and in the original Latin means "brightness, splendor."

I feel like a lot of work has been done to define where I am and the general direction my journey is headed, but I also feel like I'm standing on the brink of so much with barely enough light for this step. I have been in similar places and struggled with fear and battled peace. I want to try something new this time. Praying, focusing on clarity, on clearness of perception, on lucidity of understanding, of brightness and splendor, of power, love, and the sound mind God has given me.

I believe God desires to work in and through me, to reveal Himself to me, and through me to those in my circle of influence. In my family, church, community...I stand open and ready to step out in faith where the light of clarity illuminates.  

Have you chosen a word for 2015? I would love to hear about it!

Truth

One of the biggest challenges I have felt growing up in Christian circles is this sense that Christians are perfect or at least on their way to being perfect. I don't know that I've ever actually heard anyone say it out loud, but I have felt it and struggled with it. Because the truth is...I'm not perfect, and far from it. But I believe in the One True God and in His Son Jesus Christ. I believe that I was born a sinner and the only hope I have is in Christ and His blood covering. I believe I am going to heaven because I have claimed Jesus as my Savior, my representative for judgment day. I have confronted this thought where I have felt it unspoken and encouraged true study of our relationship with God.

This week, I came across this movie, "Ragamuffin", based on the life of Rich Mullins (songwriter of "Awesome God"). He was a sinner, imperfect and struggling to find his way in this journey we call life. Yet, God used these challenges to draw Rich (and others) to Himself. Towards the end of the movie, Rich is on a retreat with a pastor friend who challenges him to write a letter from his earthly father to himself (for those familiar with allying, this is what it can look like) and what comes out is one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever seen in a movie.

I knew only basic pieces of his life, but have been deeply touched by his music, as it reaches beyond the feel-good to the real truth. We are broken...He is the healer.

So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down I'm falling on my knees

~ Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins

The movie was directed and produced by David Leo Schultz, using some of Rich Mullin's family and friends. He was interviewed for the release of the movie, I love what he said here:

"...a testimony shouldn’t make yourself the hero; it should make God the hero. If you are the centerpiece of your story, then it’s a biography. So, from the beginning I knew that in terms of doing a bio-picture, I wanted to flip the model on it’s head, and make God the hero of story.

Rich had a fascinating and recklessly ambitious life pursuing Christ, but I also wanted to explore how God was pursuing Rich...If God is after us, he will do whatever it takes to get a hold of and transform our hearts.

Rich was a follower of Jesus, yet he was also a prodigal in many ways, and we wanted to show the story of a God, filled with compassion, pursuing Rich. And for us through the research, once we discovered that it seemed God was chasing Rich through father figures to ultimately point to Himself..."

God is the hero of my story, He is the center of everything, and when I keep Him there, my life becomes a beautiful mess of a testimony.

Wherever you are in your journey in life, I highly recommend watching the movie. For more information on the life of Rich Mullins and Ragamuffin the movie, check out this site.

For the rest of the interview with David Leo Schultz, you can read it here.

Welcome 2015

The new year holds unknown adventures and opportunities. As I set out on this page of my journey, I am interested in the challenge of choosing a word for the year. Something to aspire to, grow into, develop. I believe in word pictures and the power of what we think and what we tell ourselves. I think I want to journal about this idea and choose my own word.

I am sharing a link to an official website for more information, but don't necessarily agree with everything on the site. Please use it at your own discretion.

If this is something you would like to do, I invite you to join me and please feel free to share your word once you've chosen one. I will share later this month, once I've selected mine!

* myoneword.org (link)