Normal

* Advisory:  This post is very raw and real. If you do not have a relationship with me in which you are comfortable with this much vulnerability, than please don't read it. I have lighter posts planned for this weekend. If you do read it, please take it as it is intended. This is about me and my journey.



...is defined as "standard, average, regular, natural, not abnormal." Abnormal, which means to "deviate from a standard."

The alarm goes off again, it's 6:15, time to start another day. I am tired and restless as I drag myself from bed after another restless night, filled with strange dreams, that leaves me feeling uneasy. I make hubby's breakfast and pack him a quick lunch. He's off to work as the young ones begin emerging from their rooms, hungry and anxious to do something fun today. Breakfast done, beds made, everyone is dressed. Now what? Of course, I don't mean that literally. I have laundry to do, books to read with the kids and a million questions to help them research and answer. I have calls to make, bills to pay and projects of my own to accomplish, not to mention a house to finish.

What I am really asking, is how do I make what seems so abnormal, so different from our standard, into something that feels normal, average, natural? Mentally I "know" this is our new house. I planned the layout, hung the insulation, and painted the walls. But when I look at the walls, I think to myself how nice this texture would look in our place. I see a closet and think, if I were to build I would move that over here. I empty another box and think, I need to save this for when we move back home. My head knows this IS home, but my heart is restless with all that is so unfamiliar.

How do I make this building, this house, into a home? I didn't ask for this house, in fact I was rather content with my last house. I really had no intention of ever moving and even if I had millions of dollars, would have only made minor renovations to our corn crib home. I didn't ask to move, to build a new house, to uproot our family like this. But this is where I find myself and I am struggling. I had warned myself that being back on the property would not be the end of this crisis or our grief. Yet, I feel so unprepared to cope with it.

I am seeking help and feel good about the help I'm getting, but the harsh reality is that this is my new normal and this normal is going to take time to adjust to. I am asked often how I like our new home and I'm honestly not sure how to answer. It is lovely of course, I designed and decorated it, but I'm not in love with it. I have been told almost as many times how lucky I get to build my dream home. I don't feel lucky, I feel grateful we are all alive, but lucky I "get" to build a house? Not exactly. This had felt more like a bad dream.

I don't mean to sound so down, but this is reality. This is where I am in this season, in this chapter of my life and I would like to ask for your help. I believe God will give me the desire of my heart...when my heart is where it needs to be. Right now my heart is in grief and struggling with loss. I need to change my heart. It will not be easy and will take time, but I am praying that God would make these changes, this house, my new reality into a new dream and make it the desire of my heart.

I ask that you join me and pray these truths over me and my family. We need the continued prayers, love and support of our "village"...and I don't feel lucky to have you either, I feel immensely blessed!

Overcoming Fears...

I must confess, I am not very good at math! It is just not my strongest area. I enjoy some math, basic algebra was my all time favorite, but anything beyond that was really hard and confusing. Of course, this means science isn't very high up there either! I enjoy life sciences, but not so much the formal sciences. So it should come as no surprise that I have a young student VERY interested in building robots! And not just any robot...he wants to build a cheetah that can run and jump and be controlled by remote. AH!

I don't even know where to begin! But I do know one of the most important things my mother ever taught me, I don't have to know everything, I just need to know where to look or who to ask for the answer. That I do know! I sent an email out to a friend who might know of such things. I received some ideas and this kit for the kids to start with. Oh, boy! Now I have this kit of circuits and I don't know what to do with it! But my young son is anxious to get at it.

Now comes the hard part...I didn't get to it before we lost the house last year and wouldn't you know it, the kit survived! But then I didn't get to it at the rental, I used the excuse that there were too many little pieces with little sister around. We moved back to the property with this beautiful island, plenty big to work on experiments. Still, I put it off. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to figure it out and I was embarrassed to admit it.

Well, three weeks ago, I finally got up the nerve to pull it out, convinced that I would be disappointing my son when I couldn't figure it out. But I had put this off far too long, so I opened the box, looked over the instructions and attempted to help him create the first example, just a basic circuit. IT WORKED! I had figured it out! I was so excited! We took it apart and assembled several more before sister got up and we had to put it away.




But then something amazing happened! The next day, during sister's nap, he asked to pull it out again. I let him, feeling a little more confident in my ability to help him. We did a couple more and then I got tied up in something else. I thought I would come back to find him waiting for me or giving up and off playing. But, no, he was still at the island, finishing a rather complex circuit about 150 steps from where we had been working. "Look, Mom! I think I did it!" You know what? It worked! He spent her entire nap time reading the books and assembling, dissembling and reassembling circuits...all on his own! He did it again the next day too, and the next week! He is asking for a more advanced set now. He is good at it. I am not. That is what makes this world so intensely amazing!

My husband says this is the most challenging part of home schooling - we as parents have to face our own fears! So the next time one of the kids asks to get into something that overwhelms me...I hope I'll be a little faster to give it a try or at least to allow them to try!

(Sister wanted to get in on the fun, too!)

Panther Room Coming to Life!

After finally getting to A's Mario Kart room, it was time to turn my attention to the football field I had promised to paint in J's room. Yes, Daddy is a Bear's fan and Grandpa is a Raider's fan, but we support our son's choice to pick his own favorite team. The method to his choice? He likes wild cats (we have been studying them, so feel free to ask him about cheetahs, caracals, tigers, leopards, lions...) so he wanted to pick a team that had a cat for their mascot. I must admit, I am slightly relieved he didn't pick the Detroit Lions or Jacksonville Jaguars. North Carolina has family connections and the Panther's colors are black and turquoise...not bad as team colors go.

Now, if I had this to do over again? I would have used 1 1/2 inch tape to make lines on the white primed wall and then painted the green over the top. But, since I hadn't thought of that until now, I had no choice but to paint the white lines over the green. It meant marking off both sides of the 1 1/2 inch lines, making the corners sharp and applying three coats of white enamel.

I repeated the process for the yard lines, all nine of them (10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 40, 30, 20, 10). Then came the fun part! Applying the decals we had purchased six months ago when planning was first underway for his room. Each end zone has the teams name and a panther head. The fifty yard line has a large panther head that reaches past the forty yard lines on each side. He had such fun helping mommy paint and put of the decals, he even painted the yardage himself. That proud smile makes it all worth it!

Now, mommy just has to paint the accompanying score board above his bed and figure out where to put the rest of the decals!

A little Creative Comic Time!

The boys are discovering the fun of comics, batman and superman are their favorites. Last Christmas, I bought a really neat kids bible done in comic form that the kids all enjoy reading. So it seemed like a natural project to make our own.

The boys each made up a super hero who defeated a bad guy. My daughter copied mine (a flower surviving a storm) before creating her own, a super hero who sprays out flowers and rainbows and turns bad guys into good. They particularly enjoyed adding the sound effects. "ouch" "AHHHH" "Owww"

Above:  Panther Man vs. Dog Man

Below:  Hard at work creating a new character.

 Above:  Mommy's :)

Below:  Wonderful Girl vs. A Monster

Above:  The bad guy being defeated!

Below:  Apatosourus Man vs. The Big Monster

Restitution

As I seated myself in the waiting area on a rather hard and uncomfortable chair, I cautiously took in my surroundings. Some beautiful architecture, a couple of lovely paintings and a breathtaking stain glass skylight. There is an older couple to my left and a small desk on my right. Just after lunch, there are many people milling around, heading to meetings, off to make phone calls and fill another day at work. A deputy comes down the hall with a man. The man is wearing handcuffs. The man is a prisoner. This is Mr. Rice, the man who broke my back door and stole my belongings. The nervousness I have been feeling rises. Do I look him in the eye? Do I acknowledge him? Do I smile? And when I am almost completely overwhelmed with questions, he turns to the couple sitting next to me and calls them "mom" and "dad".

Of all the possibilities that had gone through my head about how this moment would play out...sitting next to the burglar's parents had not even entered my mind. He has parents. He is someone's son. How must they be feeling? How have they sat through these court hearings and sentencings? What do they think of me? Of those of us who filed claims against their son?

They won't look at me, even though I try to make eye contact with them. I want to see them, and I want them to see me. I do not hate this man, the man they have raised since he was a babe in their arms. I am not angry at him, the one they taught to walk and talk and ride a bike. I am saddened by a soul so alone that he felt he had no choice but to take from others. And though this appears to be such an innocent crime in the eyes of the court, it has impacted our innocent children almost as much as loosing their entire home. That is what I wish I could share.

No one was home at the time of the crime (thus why it is a burglary and not a robbery) and after hearing of Mr. Rice's other crimes, I do not believe he would have harmed us. But his actions have taken a sense of security from all of us, particularly the children. They didn't want to move any of their things here until we moved, just in case someone broke in again. They didn't want to loose what they had just replaced. One of the children has requested we guard the window near their bed so no one can break in at night (we are actually working on a gate that could be removed in an emergency but would give them some sense of security back). This is what I wish I could share.

My oldest was confused by the crime. "Why would someone take something that isn't their's?" Good question! I did my best to explain, to which he replied, "why didn't he just ask me mommy? I would have shared with him!" With all my precious little ones have been through, it brings me to tears that my oldest child would respond with such love and compassion. We have been champions of Kindness Ministries at our church...all of us! The babies in strollers or baby carriers, meeting people where they are, meeting needs, sharing love and kindness. Buying food, clothing, school supplies. Helping with Christmas presents and electric bills. No one is rejected. When a need is shared or identified, we do what we can to help. Apparently this young one has caught the vision. This is what I wish I could share.

But as I sit in the court room and hear the sentence read, I am not asked to speak. It is as though I am a spectator, not one of the victims. The court has decided to make him serve as little time as possible for all 9 burglaries between the two counties, so that he can get a job and start paying everyone restitution. Restitution: an act of restoring or a condition of being restored. Restore: to give back, return, to put again in possession of something. They want him to give money for the estimated value of the things he took and figure he can't very well do that behind bars. I however, feel very uneasy with the idea that in such a short time he could once again be our neighbor. That does not restore (bring back or return) my sense of security. He has a history of breaking laws. Jail time has not been a wake up call for him in the past. I have no reason to believe his behavior has or will change.

The bailiff prepares to take Mr. Rice back to the jail as his parents say good bye. The state's attorney approaches and offers to answer any questions I might have. She reiterates the court's desire to have us monetarily compensated and assures me I can call her office if I have any questions. I walk back down the two flights of stairs and out to my car. I am overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings (many of which I'm sure I still haven't processed). I really wish I had taken the opportunity to speak to Mr. Rice or his parents. They didn't want to acknowledge me, but I really wish I could say "I don't care about the money. We've counted our losses and moved on. I know you are NEVER going to pay all of us back for every penny you took. BUT I didn't pursue this case to make you pay me back. I pursued you to stop you from hurting other people! Yes, your actions have hurt people! I really wish you could take this as an opportunity to grow up and change your behavior. I really wish you would learn to work for what you need and when you can't, reach out and ask for help instead of taking what isn't yours. I wish you could know my son and his heart of compassion towards you. And I really wish you had just asked first, we really, truly would have helped you."

I drove away with a sense of finality, finally knowing what I really want to say, now I just need another opportunity to say it. I've never thought much about writing to prisoners, but I must admit, I am seriously considering it.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime? What would you say if given the chance to confront him/her? Have you confronted him/her? Please feel free to share with me, I would like to hear your story.

Storms

This post is short and a bit sour. Sometimes we experience the normal change of seasons, a few storms, a good frost, nothing too disrupting. Other times we face drought, floods, monsoons and blizzards. If I simply put life on hold, you know, wait out the storm, I miss a lot of life. I choose to find joy today, in the midst of this weeks storm, because I don't want to wait to be joyful, don't want to miss the precious moments, don't want to discount or pass up the potential growth and change only found in pain and the unknown.

These photos are of some amazing rainbows we have been able to see from our porch this week. A beautiful reminder of the promise of storms. They will come, but will not destroy me.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about leaning to dance in the rain." 

PS...and yes, we all went out and danced in this gorgeous rain storm! ;)

Mario Kart Wii Room Taking Shape

Mommy finally got to it. With SO much on our plate recently, I had not completed the detail painting in the kids' rooms. Well, I took an opportunity last month to get started on A's room. I used an overhead projector to display a transparency I had made of the "Mushroom Gorge" track on the Wii. Then I attempted to paint it on the wall. It didn't turn out quite like the image, but close enough to please A. He was so excited, he helped me finish it up, putting the accent colors on the mushrooms and adding the decals. Of course, we just had to use the extras on his bed. I think it looks quite awesome!

 I LOVE that smile! So worth it!

What's in a Name?

A strange thing has happened this summer, something I had not thought of, nor prepared for. It has taken me aback and left me questioning...well, myself. Apparently, over the years, people in our community have come to call us "the corn crib people" which I think is just darling. But now I am being met with a whole community that does not know what to call me.

Now, see, I worked really hard in our early marriage to differentiate myself from my parents and a bit from my husband. I still remember the first time I introduced myself as, well, just me. Erica. That is my name and it is who I am. I am also a daughter, wife, mother, sister, niece, cousin, daughter-in-law, friend, auntie, sister-in-law, granddaughter, but these are all just facets of me. I had thought of the corn crib, as well as home schooling, church, and other activities and hobbies as other facets. The idea that our home would become so closely intertwined with who I am that people would have difficulty separating the two is overwhelming. In their eyes, I have lost my identity.

Now, personally, I think the corn crib still plays an important role in my life and the lives of our family. I have no problem still being referred to as "the corn crib people", but there are many who disagree and are simply at a loss what to call me. I realize this isn't a big issue, actually it is rather minor. My name is Erica and if they can't remember that, then they obviously aren't close friends, but it has me thinking....

Can I keep this identity? Do I need to change it for me? Or for others? What on earth would I change it too? Why can't I still be "the corn crib people" who live at Corn Crib Acres? With all the changes in our lives, is it healthy to keep this one?

This has occupied a lot of my journalling times in recent weeks. When I find answers I am content with I will post a follow up blog. I would welcome thoughts on this subject, but I really am just musing out loud. :)

Satellite photo of our property prior to July 2011.