After my second, I had hoped things would change. I knew more and felt better prepared for the challenge. But as I faced postpartum depression while trying to return to work, my ideals just seemed to slip further away. My third was accompanied by new employment which meant longer shifts and attempts to express milk for my newborn in less than ideal circumstances so daddy could feed him at midnight...and two am...and four am. When I got home, more exhausted than when I had left the night before, little one was needy and the older siblings still needed more from my than I had to give. As much as I loved motherhood, it just wasn't what I had pictured.
With my fourth came the opportunity I had so hoped for! I was able to just be home with her...and her siblings. No leaving her to go to work. No expressing so someone else could feed her. I just got to be her mom. But I recovered slowly and it still seemed my ideal was out of reach. I finally had what I felt I needed to be this amazing mom and still couldn't cut it. I felt like such a failure...
As we near her third birthday, I am realizing that my ideal seems out of reach because it is not based in reality. In reality, if there is food in the house, clean clothes to wear, a safe roof over our heads, and nurture and love abound...well, then I am being a really great mom. Those days I make a really amazing meal or plan an amazing activity are great, but they don't make me a great mother. I spent many years putting myself down for being human, instead of appreciating what I had to offer and trusting that my best (along with God's best) is enough.
My ideal needs to change, not because it is bad, but because it is defective, unrealistic, un-whole.
As I have embraced this, it has been quite an honor this past couple years, now that I am able to be home full-time, to offer child care to family members who had been such amazing help to us. Repaying this kindness and getting to know my nephews has brought much joy and fits this new reality of motherhood.
This past few weeks, I've had the extreme joy to help a friend of ours, something I would not have been able to do a few years ago. A temporary situation has left her needing care for her grandchild and our family has been blessed to be available to help. Grandma mentioned last week that she appreciates the routine we have been able to help her give little one in a time of so much change and unknown. How cool is that?
Watching my children embrace these children with love and care, sharing toys and food and time and mommy, has touched my heart more than I can express. What really matters in life is taking root and starting to sprout and that is what this mommy needs to keep focused on.
