Year End 2013

...and what a year it has been. I have completed another year (three in a row) of blogging. I have been surprised how much of my personal life I have been sharing and look to expand on more topics next year. But I know I needed to write and share this chapter of my journey and pray it was beneficial to someone.

As I close for the year, I wanted to share some of the beautiful snow we have been experiencing this week. I have never seen flakes so clear and big and beautiful. Each unique and carefully made...how much more unique and wonderfully made are we?

Joy in the Sorrow

“Separation  ~

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

by W.S. Merwin

Today is filled with a strange mix of tears and joy as we mark one year without little Sawyer (our cousin who died in a car accident at age three, 12/31/12). I think it has brought all of us to a place of reality, that what we love and hold dear will at some point be lost. I know it has shaped my year, as I've continued to process and heal from the loss of our home (which easily could have claimed the lives of our precious children). This quote tugged at my heart this week...our extended family has been forever changed and that change includes Sawyer's "color" running through us. We hold each other a little closer and seek the joy in the moments we have together.

At his funeral we sang "Jesus Loves Me," or rather, the congregation sang and I cried. I could imagine my little ones singing the chorus:

"Yes, Jesus loves J, R, A & A.

Yes, Jesus loves Mommy and Daddy.

Yes, Jesus loves Sawyer.

The Bible tells me so."

So today, I am baking cookies and sharing laughs and making memories with my children. It seems like the best possible way to honor Sawyer's memory.

Photo A Month - December

I opted for a candid shot, to round out the year of self photos. The kids and I were decorating sugar cookies for "Santa Daddy" on Christmas Eve. You can't see all their faces, but their were smiles all around.

Christmas

Christmas is here! (...again)

Last year was a rough adjustment time for us, since most of our married life had been spent in our corn crib home, nothing seemed to feel right. We sought to try lots of things and gave ourselves permission to toss out whatever we didn't like...nothing had to stay!

Part of finding "new normals" for our family has been trying new things. This year Daddy decided we should take the kids to the Mall of America (MOA) in Minnesota. We drove up for a quick weekend and stayed at a hotel just across the interstate from the mall.

The kids have never gone to see Santa, so when our darling daughter requested a quick chat with the MOA Santa, I couldn't resist the chance to snap a photo. The others took the treats he was handing out, but really didn't want to get too close.

 

The Lego, Disney and American Girl stores were the biggest hits! Daddy enjoyed the Microsoft, Apple and flight simulator (although we didn't pay for a flight) stores. I finally got to see a Macy's store and bought ice cream at the Haagendazs store (super yummy!!!).

We all enjoyed the special display set up for the new Anki game. The cars are controlled by Apple products around a track and can disable each other to win the race. They gave us some shirts and offered to take some photos with us!

We love holiday baking, especially when we can share it with others. Cookie dough with cousins!

Christmas Eve graced us with snow, family and memories.

Christmas day brought more snow, lots of family and countless precious moments. While still not feeling "normal," it felt more comfortable as we continue to find what does feel like our "new normal."

My Christmas wish for you is joy in the hope that our Savior brought to Bethlehem more than 2000 years ago...and continues to bring to our lives everyday!

I'm still into him...

Fifteen years ago today I promised to love and cherish my husband till death parted us. We have experienced many joys and some sorrows on our journey through life together, and have stayed true to our vows...I really do love this man!

I promise to keep this "G" rated, but would like to share fifteen memories, joys and gifts from our life together.

15.  Movie nights. Sometimes the whole extended family comes over, sometimes it's just the six of us and sometimes we send the kids to bed and have a makeshift date night. (Always reminds me of the song by Phil Vassar, Just Another Day In Paradise?)

14.  Road trips.  We don't do it as often as we did before we had kids, but we love to load up the car with drinks, snacks and some great music and go for a drive. Sometimes we end up running some errands and sometimes we just enjoy the beautiful landscape and the time together.

13.  Conversation. We have worked to keep communication open and flowing between us. We plan times to talk out what's on our minds, even pounding the pavement in front of our acreage walking out frustrations and facilitating the thought process as we talk.

12.  Family. We chose to stay close to family, which means on a weekly basis we are interacting with upwards of 16 extended family members on two or more days a week. We love it and love the community it creates for the kids, but navigating the his, mine and ours can be challenging. I appreciate that my husband values ALL of our family so much that we can make them such a big part of our lives.

11.  Stability. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a planner. I like to make my lists and plans and have at least some idea what is going on and what I need to do. This is how I find order in the midst of chaos. What you may not know is how good Ben is at helping me sort the chaos, not just organize it. He offers a strength I can lean on because I know he will be there. And on the rare occasion that he is struggling too, we have learned to lean on each other.

10.  Dreams. We are dream makers and man can we dream big! I know we won't see most of them come true, but if we don't dream we might miss the chance to realize some of them. We dream of traveling and seeing the world. We dream of being financially wealthy and investing that wealth in ministries and people. We dream of helping our kids realize their potential and their own dreams. (I dare you, ask him what he would do with 50 million dollars...'cause he knows!)

9.   I'm really into him! Music is such a huge part of our lives. I love the chorus to this new song by Paramore, Still Into You. I am not familiar with this group, but these words are amazing!

"I should be over all the butterflies But I'm into you (I'm into you)
And baby even on our worst nights I'm into you (I'm into you)
Let 'em wonder how we got this far

'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you"

8.  Goofing off. Those of you who know Ben, know how goofy and mischievous he can be. Sometimes I need the reminder to blow off steam and just have fun for a while. The dishes/projects/mess will be there when I come back (unless of course the cleaning fairies show up.....)

7.  Grace & Forgiveness. I know it's hard to believe, but I am imperfect and often need my husband to be gracious with my imperfections and forgiving of my mistakes. He does both very well.

6.  Cooking. He may not be a master chef, but my man can cook...at least enough to keep us from starving. This has been a huge blessings during times when I am too sick or too exhausted to take care of our family. His willingness to step up when I or the kids need him is amazing.

5.  Diligent. Sometimes the real victors are simply the ones who don't give up. Most of what we have built together is not because of wealth or luck, but because we kept trying. Failure isn't defeat unless we quit trying...and this man doesn't quit easily.

4.  Laughter. Because it's good for my heart and no one can bring a smile to my face as quickly as Ben can...well, and maybe our kiddos.

3.  Children. Every journey to parenthood has it's challenges, some more than others. I am so grateful to have a home filled with the laughter (and sometimes yelling, crying, fussing) of little ones.

2.  Strength and Courage. These are two qualities my husband has a lot of, as evidenced through every trial and challenge we've faced. But even more amazing is how he has encouraged these qualities in me.

1.  Commitment. Above all, I know we are in this thing called life together. I am not walking alone and that is the best gift of all! I walked down the aisle to Shania Twain's From This Moment On and these words are just as true today as they were then.

"From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on"

Christmas Tea

The lights were strung, the stockings hung and the trees (yes, seven to be exact) were all placed and shining so bright! The tables were set and the island displayed with an array of yummy goodness. Christmas hymns played softly in the background, both inside and out, and the men were set up with their beverages and prospective teams (it is still football season, after all). The snow was falling, because it just wouldn't be our annual tea without it, as the first car pulled in.

Six cars in total adorned our drive as we ladies, some younger than others, shared and laughed, ate and giggled, sang and drank hot cocoa (not all at once, you hope). And then one by one, the cars were driven off while daylight and the plow afforded some extra safety.

Eleven souls joined ours for an afternoon and then it was over almost as fast as it began for another year...and not one photo was snapped! Not one shot of the laughter. Not one picture of the yumminess and pretty decor. (Sigh) How I had wanted to share with those who could not attend, but alas, you shall just have to join us next year!

Thanksgiving

May this thanksgiving be a daily practice of gratitude, grace and joy. I will name the gifts making me aware of His love and filling me with Him...with His grace and joy to fully live in today and sustain me when I cannot see the gifts through my grief and pain. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Whether you have read Ann's book or not, this video will give you the tools and ideas needed to start naming your gifts. Will you join me?

*Note:  The video is 22 minutes long, but I felt it was time very well spent...a gift, if you will.

**One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp is available at Amazon.

Photo A Month - November

This month I wanted a photo of the whole family to use for Christmas...so I set up the tripod and took a shot of me and my crew!

Wishing you and your crew a Thanksgiving full of gratitude,

a Christmas filled with joy and many blessings in the New Year.

Foreboding Joy

Planning ahead. Being prepared. What if hubby lost his job? What if the house were destroyed? What if something happens to my husband or one of my children or me? What about a disaster, such as a tornado or problem at the nuclear plant? Do I have water and food for the coming storm? What about gas for the generator in case we lose power? Do I have the savings and insurance I need? Where would we go, what would we do? How would my kids be cared and provided for?

This planning, finding answers to these questions. brings a level of peace.But maybe there's a point at which the planning needs to stop and the joy in today needs to take over. The potential for loss and grief aren't minimized by planning or by "practicing being devastated". When trauma, disaster, loss happen am I really going to feel better because I had a plan? Or am I going to wish that I had spent at least a few of those planning moments taking in life and receiving joy.

(The steam from the local nuclear plant as seen from my front window.)


"We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don't want to be blindsided by hurt. We don't want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practiced being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment."
Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown, pg 121

Dr Brown suggests that I cannot selectively numb emotions. If I try to numb pain...I numb the joy by default. The only guarantee is that if I don't allow myself to experience joy and love, my reservoir will not have what I need when I face pain, loss and trauma (Kansas Ted Talk).

I feel Dr Brown has put something I've been struggling with into words. I don't feel at home and settled in our new house because I know it could all be taken away again and somehow if I'm not as attached it would be easier to let it go. But by not attaching, by being constantly prepared to lose my home, am I missing out on joy? Am I shrinking away from joy as a shield from loss? And then this crippling thought:  Is it a price I'm willing to pay?

Today I am choosing to focus on the joy, not because planning is bad or wrong or unnecessary, but because the planning needs to take a backseat to living...

Daring Greatly

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Man in the Arena Speech, Theodore Roosevelt

I have shared this before because it is just too good not too. Fear, embarrassment, shame...they keep me out of my "arenas" be it a relationship or a difficult conversation or a creative process, they tell me that I can't do it right, that I will fail, that I will be laughed at and made fun of, they tell me I might as well not bother even trying. When I listen to those voices, I fail to show up, to be seen, to dare greatly.

When Dr. Brene Brown released her latest book "Daring Greatly" this past year, I knew I had to read it. I finally got it ordered this fall and read it in a week. I loved it! She used terms and definitions I could understand and follow. She speaks to the core of guarding myself against pain and in the process shutting out the joy (I will post later about this specifically). She speaks of shame resilience, the tapes/lies/critics we listen to and the challenges of inspiring others.

She also speaks a great deal about parenting and how showing up and really being present with my children is more important than being a "perfect" parent. Can I face my own fears (arena) long enough to engage my child in their own emotions and fears? Can I be honest about the lies I still believe about myself and help them see the truth of who they are and their worthiness?

I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in confronting shame, fear and the "critic" ('cause honestly, somedays I am my own worst critic) and daring to be courageous.

"Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting." (pg 243)

"When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make." (pg 2)

"...language and story bring light to shame and destroy it." (pg 67)

"We don't have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action." (pg 182)

Photo a Month - October

The month got away from me, but early November I managed to take the photo I'd been planning. October 7-13 was International Babywearing Week and while my youngest really isn't a baby anymore I do still wear her in my carrier, so I thought I should share a photo of kiddowearing. :)

Teeny Tears

For most the news that they are expecting a baby is exciting! But for many, this time of excitement and joy turns to sorrow and grief when their precious little one dies before birth. Approximately 20% (or one in every five) pregnancies end in miscarriage (before 20 weeks gestation). Twenty-six thousand or one in every 200 babies are stillborn (between 20 weeks and birth) in the US every year. That is a lot of sorrow and grief.

Having experienced it personally, both through my own miscarriage and the miscarriages and stillbirths of family and friends, I have been searching for something I could do to remind even a few of these families that they are not alone in their grief. I found Teeny Tears last year and have finally been able to start working with them this past month.

This organization provides teeny flannel diapers (in sets of two, one for baby and one for mommy) in sizes appropriate for little ones as young as 18 weeks gestation. The flannel is soft on their delicate skin and provides the parents with something for their baby to wear for burial. They are in hospitals throughout the country and there are now some internationally.

I completed my first 52 sets and will be donating them locally. I am donating them in memory of our loss, as well as those of my friends and family. Some of the cards will list a specific baby I am remembering and others will be acknowledged anonymously. If you would like some donated in memory of a little one in your life, please (please, please) message me!

If you are interested in making some yourself, follow the link above to contact Teeny Tears directly. Otherwise, just let me know and I can walk you through the process or we can work together!

As I sewed each teeny little diaper, I thought of the losses I know and of the ones that will occur and use these diapers. I found hope in knowing the journey to parenthood is not easy and can be quite painful, but for everyone in the midst of grief today, there are people who understand and care. They are not alone! ...and isn't that really what we all need to know!?!

Wall Painting (from this summer)

A while back I shared that I had done some more painting in the house and promised to share photos...I finally took some! The master bath had this wall that was just pleading for a little paint. I found a design I like, traced it out on the wall and went to town with some contrasting paint leftover from the ceiling.

In the entryway I have been playing with a variety of ideas (picture collections, a large clock, etc) and decided it was time to try some paint. I used the same technique I used in the bathroom, using the taupe left over from the other walls. I have placed framed photos to make a "family tree", birthday banners and currently the children's Thanksgiving leaves.

And then I completed the last piece of the Panther football bedroom that I had planned when we moved in over a year prior. The scoreboard is up and the home team is ahead!

October Birthdays!!!

My littles are growing up! Mister wanted an NFL Panther's party and Miss wanted a western/cowgirl party...so we decorated with pumpkins, fall leaves, bandanas and hats with a couple footballs tossed in. We had some of our favorite football party foods (chicken wings, chips and dips) and some good old-fashioned campfire yummies (hot dogs, burgers, baked beans). Then of course there was cake...lots of cake, including gluten-free chocolate muffins for my sis-in-law's 30th birthday and some Hostess Zingers for my mom's birthday (it's a very busy week!).

Thanks to all the family and friends who filled our home with laughter and celebration. For those who could not attend...here are just a few photos of the fun!

 

 

 

 

Later that week we were able to have a lovely lunch with one of my other sis-in-law's celebrating her 25th birthday! :)

Precious Moments

Just a few highlights that I haven't been able to share....

The older children enjoyed a week at day camp in St John's in Keystone (this is a church that helped us immensely with the house clean up and moving into the rental). Mommy enjoyed some one-on-one time with Little Miss and got some projects done or at least the next step done, that post still to come!

Uncle shared his birthday celebration with us this year. We have enjoyed seeing so much of him this year.

I am teaching myself to make my great-grandmother's kolaches (with help, of course).

I think they are looking pretty good!

...and my niece was dedicated. Isn't she a cutie!?!

In the morning...

...when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.*

 

(Above:  Notice the little bitty lights on the horizon?

Those are tractors and trucks harvesting and hauling corn.)

*first verse of Give me Jesus by Fernando Ortega. Here is a version of the song performed by Vince Gill.