Year End 2013

...and what a year it has been. I have completed another year (three in a row) of blogging. I have been surprised how much of my personal life I have been sharing and look to expand on more topics next year. But I know I needed to write and share this chapter of my journey and pray it was beneficial to someone.

As I close for the year, I wanted to share some of the beautiful snow we have been experiencing this week. I have never seen flakes so clear and big and beautiful. Each unique and carefully made...how much more unique and wonderfully made are we?

Joy in the Sorrow

“Separation  ~

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

by W.S. Merwin

Today is filled with a strange mix of tears and joy as we mark one year without little Sawyer (our cousin who died in a car accident at age three, 12/31/12). I think it has brought all of us to a place of reality, that what we love and hold dear will at some point be lost. I know it has shaped my year, as I've continued to process and heal from the loss of our home (which easily could have claimed the lives of our precious children). This quote tugged at my heart this week...our extended family has been forever changed and that change includes Sawyer's "color" running through us. We hold each other a little closer and seek the joy in the moments we have together.

At his funeral we sang "Jesus Loves Me," or rather, the congregation sang and I cried. I could imagine my little ones singing the chorus:

"Yes, Jesus loves J, R, A & A.

Yes, Jesus loves Mommy and Daddy.

Yes, Jesus loves Sawyer.

The Bible tells me so."

So today, I am baking cookies and sharing laughs and making memories with my children. It seems like the best possible way to honor Sawyer's memory.

Photo A Month - December

I opted for a candid shot, to round out the year of self photos. The kids and I were decorating sugar cookies for "Santa Daddy" on Christmas Eve. You can't see all their faces, but their were smiles all around.

Christmas

Christmas is here! (...again)

Last year was a rough adjustment time for us, since most of our married life had been spent in our corn crib home, nothing seemed to feel right. We sought to try lots of things and gave ourselves permission to toss out whatever we didn't like...nothing had to stay!

Part of finding "new normals" for our family has been trying new things. This year Daddy decided we should take the kids to the Mall of America (MOA) in Minnesota. We drove up for a quick weekend and stayed at a hotel just across the interstate from the mall.

The kids have never gone to see Santa, so when our darling daughter requested a quick chat with the MOA Santa, I couldn't resist the chance to snap a photo. The others took the treats he was handing out, but really didn't want to get too close.

 

The Lego, Disney and American Girl stores were the biggest hits! Daddy enjoyed the Microsoft, Apple and flight simulator (although we didn't pay for a flight) stores. I finally got to see a Macy's store and bought ice cream at the Haagendazs store (super yummy!!!).

We all enjoyed the special display set up for the new Anki game. The cars are controlled by Apple products around a track and can disable each other to win the race. They gave us some shirts and offered to take some photos with us!

We love holiday baking, especially when we can share it with others. Cookie dough with cousins!

Christmas Eve graced us with snow, family and memories.

Christmas day brought more snow, lots of family and countless precious moments. While still not feeling "normal," it felt more comfortable as we continue to find what does feel like our "new normal."

My Christmas wish for you is joy in the hope that our Savior brought to Bethlehem more than 2000 years ago...and continues to bring to our lives everyday!

I'm still into him...

Fifteen years ago today I promised to love and cherish my husband till death parted us. We have experienced many joys and some sorrows on our journey through life together, and have stayed true to our vows...I really do love this man!

I promise to keep this "G" rated, but would like to share fifteen memories, joys and gifts from our life together.

15.  Movie nights. Sometimes the whole extended family comes over, sometimes it's just the six of us and sometimes we send the kids to bed and have a makeshift date night. (Always reminds me of the song by Phil Vassar, Just Another Day In Paradise?)

14.  Road trips.  We don't do it as often as we did before we had kids, but we love to load up the car with drinks, snacks and some great music and go for a drive. Sometimes we end up running some errands and sometimes we just enjoy the beautiful landscape and the time together.

13.  Conversation. We have worked to keep communication open and flowing between us. We plan times to talk out what's on our minds, even pounding the pavement in front of our acreage walking out frustrations and facilitating the thought process as we talk.

12.  Family. We chose to stay close to family, which means on a weekly basis we are interacting with upwards of 16 extended family members on two or more days a week. We love it and love the community it creates for the kids, but navigating the his, mine and ours can be challenging. I appreciate that my husband values ALL of our family so much that we can make them such a big part of our lives.

11.  Stability. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a planner. I like to make my lists and plans and have at least some idea what is going on and what I need to do. This is how I find order in the midst of chaos. What you may not know is how good Ben is at helping me sort the chaos, not just organize it. He offers a strength I can lean on because I know he will be there. And on the rare occasion that he is struggling too, we have learned to lean on each other.

10.  Dreams. We are dream makers and man can we dream big! I know we won't see most of them come true, but if we don't dream we might miss the chance to realize some of them. We dream of traveling and seeing the world. We dream of being financially wealthy and investing that wealth in ministries and people. We dream of helping our kids realize their potential and their own dreams. (I dare you, ask him what he would do with 50 million dollars...'cause he knows!)

9.   I'm really into him! Music is such a huge part of our lives. I love the chorus to this new song by Paramore, Still Into You. I am not familiar with this group, but these words are amazing!

"I should be over all the butterflies But I'm into you (I'm into you)
And baby even on our worst nights I'm into you (I'm into you)
Let 'em wonder how we got this far

'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you"

8.  Goofing off. Those of you who know Ben, know how goofy and mischievous he can be. Sometimes I need the reminder to blow off steam and just have fun for a while. The dishes/projects/mess will be there when I come back (unless of course the cleaning fairies show up.....)

7.  Grace & Forgiveness. I know it's hard to believe, but I am imperfect and often need my husband to be gracious with my imperfections and forgiving of my mistakes. He does both very well.

6.  Cooking. He may not be a master chef, but my man can cook...at least enough to keep us from starving. This has been a huge blessings during times when I am too sick or too exhausted to take care of our family. His willingness to step up when I or the kids need him is amazing.

5.  Diligent. Sometimes the real victors are simply the ones who don't give up. Most of what we have built together is not because of wealth or luck, but because we kept trying. Failure isn't defeat unless we quit trying...and this man doesn't quit easily.

4.  Laughter. Because it's good for my heart and no one can bring a smile to my face as quickly as Ben can...well, and maybe our kiddos.

3.  Children. Every journey to parenthood has it's challenges, some more than others. I am so grateful to have a home filled with the laughter (and sometimes yelling, crying, fussing) of little ones.

2.  Strength and Courage. These are two qualities my husband has a lot of, as evidenced through every trial and challenge we've faced. But even more amazing is how he has encouraged these qualities in me.

1.  Commitment. Above all, I know we are in this thing called life together. I am not walking alone and that is the best gift of all! I walked down the aisle to Shania Twain's From This Moment On and these words are just as true today as they were then.

"From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on"

Christmas Tea

The lights were strung, the stockings hung and the trees (yes, seven to be exact) were all placed and shining so bright! The tables were set and the island displayed with an array of yummy goodness. Christmas hymns played softly in the background, both inside and out, and the men were set up with their beverages and prospective teams (it is still football season, after all). The snow was falling, because it just wouldn't be our annual tea without it, as the first car pulled in.

Six cars in total adorned our drive as we ladies, some younger than others, shared and laughed, ate and giggled, sang and drank hot cocoa (not all at once, you hope). And then one by one, the cars were driven off while daylight and the plow afforded some extra safety.

Eleven souls joined ours for an afternoon and then it was over almost as fast as it began for another year...and not one photo was snapped! Not one shot of the laughter. Not one picture of the yumminess and pretty decor. (Sigh) How I had wanted to share with those who could not attend, but alas, you shall just have to join us next year!