Languages of Love

Early in our marriage we became familiar with Gary Chapman's work on love languages and had discovered that we had different love languages (shocking, I know right?!). I have spent years helping him see how to love me through my love language and seeking to learn to love him through his...because that is the point, right? I mean if I am going to converse with someone I need to be speaking their language or they need to speak mine. But last year something new revealed itself to me and the more I have processed it, the more it is resonating as truth.

Ok, first, a quick review. Dr. Chapman recognizes five love languages, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time & Physical Touch. Everyone has a basic need for all five, but there is typically one that speaks clearer and louder and through the chaos of life. That primary love is usually how we best love others, too.

But...what if growing in myself and growing in a relationship means I can accept love from the other person regardless of how they offer it? That warm, comfortable, loved feeling that I get when my language is spoken loud and clear...can I get there when the language is spoken softly or with an accent, or maybe when the other person is loving in their language?

Last year for our 15th Anniversary, my dearest husband decided to loudly and publicly speak of his love for me. And bless his heart, he even did so in my language. I should have been thrilled, right? But he added his own twist, accent, flourish (if you will) to it. He mixed the languages and added to them and was bold and crazy with it. And remember, this wasn't a private moment, he put this out there on facebook for two weeks! It was very public and often very uncomfortable and ended up frustrating both of us.

In tears one afternoon about half way through his endeavor, this thought occurred to me..."I know he loves me, I do not question this fact, so why is this such a big deal." I responded back to my self (in quite a childlike pout), "but it isn't what I wanted!" "So! So what? Do you hear how selfish that sounds? What is this doing to him and his heart to love and serve you?" Whoa!!!

Did you catch that? Do you see what just happened there? I was effectively saying his love wasn't enough, that unless he fit in this box, it wasn't good enough. (Sigh) Part of me can't believe I am writing this, but the rest of me believes it needs to be said. Maybe I need to learn to feast on my husband's love. Period. Regardless of what it looks like or how comfortable it is at first or how embarrassed I feel for one moment. (ok, I know some of you are snickering...but I chose the word "feast" because of its meaning - an amount or supply more than sufficient to meet one's needs - like abundance or wealth).

I believe it is okay for me to teach him my love language and discern the specific dialect. But I am coming to believe that it is just as okay for me to learn to receive his love in whatever language or dialect he is able to express it in.

I am a little scared to think how much I've missed out on by not seeing/hearing/realizing this sooner. But I am also excited for what the next 15 years will look like as I apply this...and how many others may be inspired to apply this practice, too!

So you remember my word for the year...Clarity...in this case, clarity in those moments when I mess up with my husband (or any relationship) and choose to check my ego at the door and come back to the table and go again.

Do you have a love language story to share? Or a word for the year? I would love to hear about it!


*For more info on Dr Chapman's work.