Football

So this has been on my heart for several days and it simply needs to be shared…

I feel privileged to have my son in such an amazing football program. I have tried to verbalize this to friends and family, but I don’t think I am doing it justice. These coaches are men of character and honor, men of faith, men who are more concerned with the values they are instilling in our boys than they are in the numbers on the board when the clock runs out. I have been honored to witness these coaches do what they say, setting an example, being the kind of role models our boys, our young men, need so badly. I have watched these boys win and loose with integrity and good sportsmanship, with qualities that will serve them well in life. I have watched these boys surround each other and build each other up, leaning not just teamwork, but honor and comradery too. When one succeeds, the whole team succeeds. When one fails, the whole team shakes it off and tries again.

And that is really it…trying again, not giving in to the failure or the fear of failure or the spectators yelling at them. They know who they are, they are champions! They are champions because they show up, because they give their all, because when the time on the clock runs out, they have left everything they had on the field.  Failure is a part of life, but somewhere along the way we decided it was bad, it was shameful, it was something to avoid. I would argue that teaching our young men (and women) how to fail with honor, to see it as information in their pursuit of success, we could change out homes, our communities, our country. We have a nation filled with people who see themselves as victims. Why bother trying when everything is working against me? Why bother when I am being put down and persecuted? Why? Because you and I are only victims if we allow ourselves to be…even the worst of situations can be material to grow through IF you know how to. These boys are learning how.

Inventor Albert Einstein was one of the most brilliant minds we have ever known, yet he was deemed slow as a child. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, after failing to do so 1000 times, one thousand times! One of the greatest basketball players of all time, Michael Jordan, claims to have missed more than 9000 shots, lost 300 games and missed the game-winning shot 26 times. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both failed at college and business before building their respective billions. Olympian Michael Phelps was diagnosed with ADHD and told by a teacher he would not succeed at anything, he found solace in the water and is now the most decorate Olympian of all time.

What if these men had quit? What if they had taken to heart the criticism? What if they had grown weary of failing? What greatness, what successes, have we not witnessed because someone gave up, because the weight of failure became too much?  

In 1910, President Roosevelt gave a speech in Paris titled “Citizenship in a Republic” about human rights and the role of citizens, among other things. But there is one passage that has been quoted (and titled) independently, “The man in the arena.” I would like to quote it here, in case you are unfamiliar:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

The credit belongs to these coaches who spend themselves in a worthy cause, in our sons, teaching them both victory and defeat. Teaching them to stand, and after falling to stand again. The credit belongs to these young men who are not only learning this themselves, but helping to teach the younger ones. The credit belongs to each one of these players every time they take the field and play with honor and leave everything on the field. If they can learn these principles…what can stop them from success in life? This program is about more than just football…so much more!

(As a side note for those who love God things...we have always believed our property was saved for us. It went on the market and had a sale pending almost immediately, when that sale fell through, we were allowed to put in our offer before it officially became available. We have always believed that God walked us through remodeling the corn crib and grew us through some pretty big failures on this property. What we took for granted was the school district...the other side of the street is one school district, two miles south is another, but we are in Union (Dysart/La Porte City). If our property were simply on the other side of the street, I may never have pursued their football program and found this amazing opportunity for our boys. Fifteen years ago, God knew!)

Joy & Sorrow

This week has brought much joy to our home and my heart. Time with friends, precious moments, connections with dear ones. But this weekend is one of great personal sorrow and as I said good-bye to each friend and loved one this week, the grief grew stronger as the emotions compounded one another. Add in the tragedies across the nation and I find myself just dazed, in tears. It's too much. It's all just too much for my heart to bear.

Today is the 15th anniversary of my Uncle's suicide and Monday is the 5th anniversary of the storm that took our house. This weekend is hard. The grief, although lessened, is present and I'm finding myself at a loss.

I have shared a lot about losing the house, but I don't think I have ever shared about losing my Uncle. Today feels like the right time to do so. My Uncle was one of few family members nearby after I was born, so most of my "little" years were with mom, dad and Uncle. I have photos of him with me as a baby and am told he adored me. In later years we connected again and I was excited for him to meet my firstborn. I was five months pregnant with my eldest when I received the call Uncle was gone. No, not gone, he had chosen to leave, leave permanently...my mind struggled to comprehend. He wasn't going to meet my first born...because he chose not to be here, not to continue living. I had been through family suicide before, but this hit harder. I was older now, surely I could have seen just how much he was struggling, surely I could have done or said something to change his mind, to give him hope, to make him stay. How did I fail so horribly?

I blamed myself, blamed my family, blamed him. I worked and fought and journalled and yelled and cried through my hurt and pain and anger to find this simple truth:  he didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't live his life for him and neither could anyone else. He made a choice that has impacted too many lives to number, but it was his choice. I don't like his choice, I don't approve of it, but I had to release myself and my family from responsibility that wasn't ours to own.

I miss him, still, I miss his laughter and spin on life. I am grieved that my children never had the chance to know him. My heart breaks for the desperation that he must have been feeling this morning fifteen years ago. I cry for the life he still had to live and the influence he could have been and the all the unknowns that were to be, but never will be.

Loss hurts so much because we love so much. Loss hurts so much because our lives were connected, because we had influence with each other, because what was is no more and what could have been will never be. Loss hurts and this weekend I am feeling an extra large dose of loss, but I choose to love and live and risk the hurt of loss for the moments of connection. I have been blessed with many moments of connection this week and I am treasuring each one.

Permission

noun: authorization granted to do something; formal consent. In her online class, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr Brene` Brown talks about experiencing fear and anxious feelings about an upcoming experience and deciding to give herself permission to relax and enjoy the time, to be excited and playful. She has sense used permission slips in moments when she experienced fear, often putting it on a post-it note in her pocket.

She gave two assignments regarding making permission slips. Once at the beginning of the class and once towards the end. Here are mine:

"Permission to: make mistakes, be honest, be imperfect, be temporary, try & fail,

experiment, take time for this, share as needed."

"I have permission to: mess up, try something new, to be authentic."

I was amazed at the impact simply writing these down had on my frame of mind and emotional state. I was also struck my a common theme...trying something new/experiment/try and risk messing up/making mistakes/being imperfect. This led me to ask, how often do I hold back, not try something, say no to an idea, an experiment, an opportunity simply because I am afraid of failing, falling, looking stupid or silly and imperfect?

I need to keep journalling and digging into this, but I would love to know, if you gave yourself permission...what would it be?

A Week in My Life

...well, actually more like a day, because let's face it, I am way to busy to haul my camera with me everywhere. But, it was a fun challenge to take photos that represented everyday life in our home. This was for the Gifts of Imperfection online class I was taking earlier this year. I printed them out in black and white and then drew a simple silver boarder on each one.

 I described wheat was going on in each individual photo and then I summarized my life:  My life is cleaning, cooking, schoolwork with the kids (14, 12, 9 & 5). It is reading - alone and with the kids, sewing, putting holiday stuff away. My newest niece and snow and play dates and year planning. It is cabin fever and it goes by so fast.

Sewing: Serenity II

Four years ago, when we were in the rental in Cedar Rapids, I took advantage of many opportunities including some sewing classes. One of my favorites was for this purse! I loved experimenting with Texture Magic to create a unique, dimensional front flap for this purse. It is called Serenity II Shoulder Bag and is available through By Annie.

I gave this purse to my brother's wife, who has enjoyed using it so much, it has begun to fall apart. I took this opportunity to make another one. She asked for purple and flowers, so I selected a paisley floral batik print in purple for the accent color and a solid dark purple for the main color. I had not worked with texture magic since then and enjoyed playing with patterns until settling on one similar to my original. I really like the lines.

Assembling that many layers of material, batting and pockets is challenging, but the pattern is fairly basic and, for someone who knows their way around a machine, is quick to assemble. I has to take out stitching a couple times, but still finished it in a couple of days.

The above photos were taken on my kitchen island and the photo below was taken on my desk...same room, very different lighting. The photo below shows more accurate colors and it turned out really pretty!

My husband has asked if this means I will be making my sister-in-law purses in perpetuity (try saying that three times fast). I said no...but maybe I should teach her to make them. They are so much fun!

Imperfection

I am a huge fan of Brene` Brown. I state that up front so y'all know...I enjoy her stories, her writing style and her content really speaks to my soul! I could see us sitting at my kitchen table talking about families, relationships, experiences...for hours. If you have not read any of her books or watched her TED talks, I strongly encourage you to do so.

Daring Greatly, Dr Brown's first book, was a wonderfully inspiring book. It spoke truth into some vary painful parts of my heart, which I shared in this post and continued here. The "Man in the Arena" speech is on my fridge and I often catch myself and ask if I am "foreboding joy." I have gifted it and encouraged many to check it out.

The Gifts of Imperfection is Dr Brown's second book and continues along the same journey, taking us further into the heart of what it means to live and to live wholeheartedly. There is no good way to share everything I learned and discovered and loved about this book, but I will share a few highlights and then encourage you to read it yourself! (You can borrow mine...just ignore all the highlighting.)

She digs into some hard issues and doesn't hold back. Sometimes while reading, I catch myself recoiling and holding my breath...not because I don't believe what she is saying, but because I do and I really don't want to. She talks about courage ("to tell your story with your whole heart") and shame. About stillness ("creating a clearing...an emotionally clutter-free space...allows me to feel and think and dream and question") and calm ("managing emotional reactivity").

One piece that has always been hard for me is perfectionism, striving to make people happy, striving to be good enough, striving to be worthy of your love and approval. But "perfectionism isn't striving to be my best..it's a way to protect myself from hurt." Ouch! My worth does not lie in my performance, and I know that, but I still fall into that trap more often than I would like to admit.

While reading Imperfections, I became aware of an online class Brene` was offering through Oprah Winfrey using this book as a guide for an art journal of sorts. I was able to catch it on sale last fall, but didn't get to sit down with it until last month. I loved the added input from Brene`, her sisters and friends. I loved the challenges and actually did some painting, which is very new and out there for me. I would like to share a couple pages from that journal. These are two of the pieces that stuck out to me enough to warrant a page in my journal. 

"The opposite of play is not work--the opposite of play is depression.

Become intentional about cultivating sleep and play."

"Grief is the loss of normal."

Dr Brown released another book this past year, Rising Strong, which I am currently reading it. It has already spoken into several personal situations. Her writing may not be for everyone, but I am grateful to have her thoughts available to read.

You can purchase "The Gifts of Imperfection" here.

Gratitude Update

Hold space. I have been wrestling with this term for several months. I love the feelings it congers but have struggled to define it. I believe I have experienced it and at times have been able to provide it for others. Researching this term, I found this definition:

"What does it mean to hold space for someone else? It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they're on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control." *

Those who walk my journey with me and allow me the privilege of walking with them, who hold space with me, are in my gratitude journal. A space I hold for clarity, joy, thankfulness. I am filling it with words and photos and quotes and drawings that remind me of all I am grateful for.

* http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/

For The Love

I was unfamiliar with Jen Hatmaker* before the If: Gathering last year. After hearing her speak and loving her style, I added one of her books to my Amazon list and was blessed to receive it for Christmas. It is an easy, fun read with some good insights and a quote by one of my favorite authors (Brene` Brown) so she's good.

My favorite new thought was from chapter one. She started off with an analogy of a balance beam. What is on it? Who chooses what goes on it? Can I take stuff off of it? Can I put new stuff on it? Do I compare my beam with others'? If it doesn't work for me, I need to let it go even if other women keep it on their beam. I need to be me, not some super woman who only exists on Facebook. Now this thought is not necessarily new to me, but the analogy of a balance beam is, trying to walk the beam and do my tricks without falling, dropping anything or looking stupid. I don't need to please anyone but Jesus...and He is always there to hold me up, catch what I can't hold and remind me of my inherent worth.

* You can purchase the book here.

Musings...

So during the first few months of the year I hibernate. I binge on sewing, reading, crafts, activities with the kids and Netflix television shows. A couple years ago, a character in one of the shows I was watching really touched something in my spirit. She is brave, strong, determined. She faces darkness with light and hope. She goes into every situation giving 100%, holding nothing back, because lives are at stake and there is no price too high to pay. One of her co-worker's refers to her in one episode as Wonder Woman, as he admired her tenacity and bravery.

I didn't think much more about it until that fall when a friend referred to me as Wonder Woman as we worked on life together. Something perked up in my spirit and I remembered the character. I want to be brave, to shine light in dark places, to fight for life...but I am no super hero. I clean house and cook meals and teach kids and feel exhausted. I pay bills and try to keep up with the ever constant laundry piles and try to stretch the budget to feed ever growing appetites. I told myself to let it go...it just isn't who I am. But every time I hear a reference to Wonder Woman I think of this brave, strong woman.

Then I recently received this cup from the same friend, who had no idea the spirit talk I'd been having about this identity. I spent some time processing and journalling and came to an amazing revelation...or at least to me and I think I can be brave enough to share.

The character isn't a super hero, she is just a woman, a hero, a warrior. A warrior is someone proficient in warfare; strong and brave. Strength and bravery can be characteristics of any woman in any situation...changing diapers, caring for a home, working a job, living life. Spiritual warfare is certainly a worthy skill to develop. A warrior feels like something I can strive for, work towards. I can be brave in the face of fear. I can be strong through Christ. I can take the light of Christ into the darkness. I can share hope with those who cross my path. I can pray and intercede for others. I can be a warrior.

If:

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend a local simulcast of a women's conference called If: Gathering. It is multi-generational and multi-denominational, with the focus on our relationship with Jesus and each other as sisters-in-Christ. I thoroughly enjoyed the conference last year, as a time to rest, reflect, hear from women struggling and learning and growing and connect with fellow sisters.

I was looking forward to this time as I greatly needed rest, I even took advantage of the opportunity to stay at the House of Hope as a guest stay so I would not be driving back and forth and would give me more time to process. I once again, was not disappointed by the time of learning and reflection and connection.

There were about a dozen wonderful speakers and I would like to share a couple of the pieces that spoke to me. Jo Saxton shared from John 1 and if you've ever heard her speak, you can appreciate the enthusiasm as she shared..."Jesus moved into the neighborhood." The Word became man and then He moved into the neighborhood, into each of our neighborhoods through us. But He didn't stop there, he then went out and interacted with His neighbors, connecting with them, meeting needs, sharing love and hope. If He is in us and working through us...then are we out there in the neighborhood as His hands, feet and voice?

Jennie Allen shared from John 13...Jesus washing the disciples' feet and Peter resisting. Jesus is symbolically cleansing them, but Peter says "I don't need you Jesus. Here, let me be here for You...You need me." Am I holding my feet, my dirt, back from Jesus still believing that I can cleanse myself?

Rebekah Lyons shared from John 15...abiding in Christ. But what touched me was pruning. Sometimes what God prunes is something that is currently growing and bearing fruit. I currently have some areas of my life I have felt are being pruned, but they are still bearing fruit. I hear myself saying "Wait! God, see the fruit! You made a mistake...this needs to stay!" I felt deep conviction as Rebekah shared these words. "Sorry, Lord. I am Yours, I am in You. If you say it is time for this piece to go, then I release it to you."

The conference ended with dominoes...if each woman present fell into the next step God was asking of us it could change lives, homes, communities. I will share more about my answer next week, but I have been feeling challenged to risk more, to hold back less, to acknowledge fear and be courageous anyway...to give God 100%.

Sewing: Margo Handbag

I have been spending this first part of the year finishing projects...and this is one I am really excited to see through to the end. I found this pattern while on the All Iowa Shop Hop last June in Ottumwa. It is a cute little bag with lots of custom pockets and some unique design pieces. I bought this fabric, which was designed by a friend of mine (Melissa Marie), at Fern Hill in South Amana. 

I didn't get the seams with the interior pockets quite the way I wanted, but I found enjoyment in piecing this bag and look forward to making more. I am envisioning different fabric combinations and pocket arrangements. I gave this one away to a very happy recipient.

* You can find the pattern here...

Word of the Year 2016

Last year's word taught me a lot, setting the lens I saw the year through. I was realizing clarity in every aspect of my life...because I was looking for it. I had not anticipated this added benefit. This year, with that in mind, I have chosen gratitude as my word, the lens I want to see this year through.

Gratitude is the "quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness." Psychology Today describes gratitude as "an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has" and shares "that we can deliberately cultivate gratitude" and that expressing gratitude "is associated with increased energy, optimism and empathy."* Okay, wait, am I ready for this?

I chose this word in the middle of December, not being one to wait until after the year had started. What I found, though, was that this expression of thankfulness and appreciation when life is throwing fast balls and curve balls and too many balls to recover and respond too takes deliberate practice. The end of December and the first of January brought more trauma and stress that most of the previous twelve months combined. Because much of this involves others I will be very vague here, but I can say I was stretched emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually almost non-stop for about a month. To say I was exhausted would be an understatement. I had nothing left, and still I had a family to care for.

Grateful? Thankful? Appreciative of the crisis and the trauma and the stress? No, not so much. Maybe I should pick a different word...it's not too late yet, is it?

"...that we can deliberately cultivate gratitude..." Standing (or crumpled on the floor) in the midst of a crisis and being grateful, thankful and appreciative is going to take deliberate practice. Seriously, am I ready for this? No, probably not, but here goes anyway! Because a life with increased energy, optimism and empathy sounds like something worth working for. I promise to share updates as the process continues.

How about you? Did you have a word for 2015? How did it go? What did you learn?

Have you chosen a word for 2016? If so, I would love to hear about it! If not, I encourage you to do so...it really is never to late.


* https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/gratitude

Baptism

Of all the things we do for our children...provision, education, love, nurture...there is none more important than showing them Jesus. My eldest daughter made the decision to be baptized and we were beyond elated to part of this choice with her. She was baptized at our church (special thanks to the First Baptist Church we rent for use of their baptismal) by her Grandfather in the presence of both of her Grandmothers, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and some dear friends. We presented her with a framed print of her name and what it means of her relationship with God.

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in the truth."

Beautiful Faces

One of my favorite things about photography is capturing moments in my kids' lives, documenting their childhood, experiences, growth and relationships. Nurturing the relationships between the cousins has been a privilege, documenting these relationships has been totally awesome!

The girl cousins received matching dresses, so we set up for a professional session, but managed to wrangle the boys in for a couple of photos too.

Good Friends

Sometimes it is easy to get busy with life and miss the moments. I am guilty of this myself, as life just seems to get a hold of me and focus shifts and moments are gone.

This holiday season, we were blessed with some precious moments with dear friends and I attempted to stay focused on the blessing, live in the moments and capture what I could.

Our friends from Canada (whom I have not seen since they were expecting their third...and they now have four) were able to come for an all too brief 24 hour visit Christmas weekend. They stayed at our house...yup, four adults and eight kiddos...it was awesome! We ate and talked and baked cookies and shared memories and took in the sight of our children all playing together. Then extended family joined us (taking us to eleven children and nine adults) for lunch and more talking and laughing and sharing. And then they were gone and I am so thankful I took these photos and breathed in the moments.

My eldest daughter asked to host a tea party for her girlfriends this winter, so we took advantage of the holiday break and invited a whole bunch of young ladies to our home. We had eight join us in their pretty dresses and some even had hats. We served little sandwiches and fruit and cookies and juice and, of course, tea. We were in the middle of well repair that day, but I still managed to get a photo of the ladies...and took a moment to take it all in...my little girls are growing up.

My husband has been blessed with a lasting friendship that has expanded to our entire family. "Uncle" Kevin was able to make it bake to Iowa again this holiday season and made time to see us and share in the holiday festivities. We play games and watch movies and toast the new year and watch football (lots of football) and managed to get a photo with the kids. 

I desire to keep this priority...the capturing of moments on camera and in my heart. For they grow much to fast!

Happy New Year!

Welcome 2016!!!! Oh, what an entrance you are making, with nasty icy weather and a hospital visit and the well adventure continuing and overwhelming evidence that I can't do it! Toasting in this year with a prayer that God will continue to hold us all close and guide our steps.

After a lovely evening of food, fellowship, laughter and toasting the new year with friends and family, we said good bye to 2015 and hello to 2016. Thankful for true friends, provision, experiences, overall good health and growth!