A great passion of mine is legacy, what lives on when our bodies die. I have made choices and decisions for my life because of what it will mean for my kids and their kids and theirs. As some of you have read in earlier posts, the legacy that is being left for me is not one I cherish and I desire to change it for the next generation. But first, a little about me...
I was born in the late '70s in southern Oregon, the oldest of three and the only girl. I had what I consider to be a happy childhood in a conservative Christian home. While my father was absent in church and most of my activities, he came home every night, sat in his recliner and watched tv with me (sorry, I am very fond of MacGyver for that reason). He would spend hours on the weekends playing his guitar and singing, esp country songs, and watching football. My memories of my mother back then are of a very strong woman, holding her own and not backing down. She was tough on us kids, but looking back, I think she had to be.
Life was hard, as it is in some way for everyone, but my father's way of "dealing" is to do nothing, thus my mother would step in and make sure we would be ok. She talks now about that time in awe of the many times she is sure God made sure we would be ok, but at that age, my parents were the gods. That is until something began to nag at my young heart...something was not right. I could not have told you at the time what it was, but I sensed something in my father was wrong, my family was in danger, of what I didn't know, and worse I had no idea what to do about it.
Years later I learned my father had been having an affair, interesting that I picked up on that. Hmm, I wonder what else kids can "sense"? My father left, my parents were separated, and suddenly this sweet little Christian girl with the "average" American life was a preteen with a single parent and no real sense of purpose, importance, belonging. We moved to Iowa to be closer to family, which was a blessing...and a curse. I truly love my family, but eating meals with them everyday got to be too much in a hurry. Worse, while my parents really seemed to be trying to keep things pleasant between all parties, their families were not. One side criticizing my mother, the other side bashing my father. And the three of us were left in the middle, not really sure how to make sense of everything.
I thought I knew who I was, where I came from and where I was going...but during this five year stretch, I questioned everything. I suppose most people reach a point as they transition to adulthood where they question, but my home, my life, everything I thought I knew turned upside down at the same time really hit me. My faith, my family, my goals and dreams for life where now unsure.
I come to, what Dr. Phil calls, a defining moment when I had to decide if the God I had believed in was still worthy of my devotion. Could I trust Him? Did I want to? I found Him to be the One person I could count on. He hadn't changed, my family and circumstances had. The one constant was God. And He was the only one that could change the legacy being past down to me...lack of communication, lack of commitment, giving up...He was the only chance I had to break it.
By the time I graduated from high school I had begun to put the pieces back together, but really feel it was just the beginning. But this is enough for today...
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