Normal is just a setting on the drier. I keep reminding myself of that...life keeps moving and "normal" is a matter of opinion. Comfortable is a better word for what I think of as "normal." Days flow and plans, while made, stay liquid enough for adventures and impromptu outings. Stress is minimal and I feel safe to just exist.
Routine is a better word for what has developed at The Rental. I don't feel "safe" to really feel and let go. Plans are hard to make beyond today and stress is about as high as its ever been for me. A constant pull by insurance and the bank. Builders and changes and ordering supplies. Decisions that have to be made NOW! Needing to grieve and let go of the past, while planning and deciding pieces for the near, as well as distant, future, all the while raising and caring for our four babies (and Ben has missed very little work this past five months) and tending a house that isn't ours. It is absolutely exhausting!
That really is it. The house isn't ours. It doesn't belong to us. I am so grateful for the use of this house...but I want my house back! I want to be able to paint just because I decide I want a different color. I want to sew beautiful curtains for the windows. I want to cook with electric again (of course, then I won't have an excuse for burning dinner)! I want!
...I want to be grateful! To just be filled with gratitude for the dry, warm roof over our heads. But my heart wants to be home and this just isn't home! Maybe my heart needs to learn some more lessons while we are here or maybe I just need to learn to be patient while waiting. Whatever it is, I apparently have not passed this class and graduated yet!
We have accounted for most of what was lost, but every other day it seems one of us discovers something else, my rolling pin while attempting to make pies for Thanksgiving, for example! We keep a rolling list of items to be replaced. So many needs have been met by generous gifts, beds, table, chairs, couch, clothes, housewares, children's books, toys....some on loan and many for keeps. Ben was off this year, so we spent "Black Friday" together taking advantage of great deals on some items on our list...appliances, electronics, kitchen items...it was a very healing day.
I had intended to share a "day in the life" but our days are so varied I'm not sure how I could pick one. Our weeks hold errands and appointments, trips to the house site, cleaning and cooking, reading, movies and lots of games. Planning for the house (the kids are very excited about their plans for their rooms), phone calls, paying bills, auto repairs and some pretty average things. We try to sleep in there somewhere too. Each day is focused on what needs to be done to keep construction moving forward while keeping stress for the kids as low as possible.
Many have voiced concern over the children's schooling while we are here. I laugh, because if they knew us, they'd know we don't "school" our children, we share with them and show them how to learn. We strive to instill a love of learning, of trying new things, of risking making a mistake to find another way something won't work. Every step of setting up The Rental and building the new house have been loaded with learning potential! With all the stress and trauma, I will feel this year is a success if we survive! I will count it absolutely amazing if no regression is noticeable after this year!
I feel like I am rambling a lot today, but maybe that is what I need, to get all these thoughts down in writing. Anyway, thanks for "listening" and taking the time to read my rambling (it really does help!).
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