A page from my journal...

(Written in September 2007)

April 9, 2005 introduced me to a new world, a world I wish I’d never known. On that day I miscarried Eli David, and losing him, I lost part of myself, the hopes and dreams I had for him. Even though I already had two children, J, age 3 and R, age 1, I struggled with severe depression.

My heart cried out, “God this isn’t fair. What did I do to deserve this? What did Eli do? What kind of a God are You anyway? What kind of God allows babies to die?” I felt betrayed by the God I loved – and thought loved me.

In August, I learned I was pregnant with a baby due in May, a scant 13 months after losing Eli. But I still had not found peace with Eli’s death, much less with the possibility of losing this baby. Fear and trepidation clouded this pregnancy. Praying God’s will for this new baby proved to be very difficult. I prayed every day for God’s will for my children, but I wasn’t sure I really meant it. When God’s will for Eli was different than what I saw as “best,” I questioned His wisdom. Why would I want any less for Eli than for my other children? I surely didn’t, but I have expectations of what God’s will looks like and my baby dying before birth is not what I have in mind. I questioned accepting God’s will, His “best” for this baby if that meant no guarantee that I would get to hold him or see him grow up! This challenged my faith, because now I know that sometimes God’s will asks more of me than I want to give. I had to find a way to trust God and believe that His will for my children is ultimately “good”.

A was born on May 2, 2006, a beautiful, healthy boy. But that did not release me from the grief. Even as I held the baby I had prayed so hard for, I felt a deep sense of loss and guilt. God had blessed me with another baby, but I did not want “another” baby, I wanted Eli.

At the same time, I wanted to love and accept A as a blessing, as my son. I struggled to bond with him, to feel that connection only a mother and son can have. But accepting A felt like betraying Eli. It would have been physically impossible for me to have had both boys, because A was born only six months after Eli’s due date. So Eli’s death made way for A’s birth. I wanted to know why. Why did God give life to both boys, only to allow Eli to die? How could I be happy that Eli died? But I couldn’t be sad that A was born. I wanted to know how God chose which baby should live and which should not? I needed to see a purpose for both of their lives.

During this time I often listened to Christian radio. One song caught my attention as I drove home with my kids in the van. My eyes filled with tears as my heart began to pray these words...

Show me Your glory. Send down Your presence. I want to see Your face.

Show me Your glory. Majesty shines around You. I can’t go on without You, Lord.

The words for this song come from the story of Moses, but that day, it became mine. I saw a glimpse of Him in my life. I felt His presence, and in that moment, I heard.

God, I am hurt and confused that you would allow these circumstances without an explanation. Why allow Eli at all? What purpose did he have in just 10 weeks of life? I grieve his loss but I have mixed feelings and I so wish to resolve them. Please show me your purpose for Eli - show me your glory in this heartache. Show me, also, Your purpose for A, Your glory in all my children’s lives. Help me to bond with A, as I desire so much to do.

Finally, I realized I could not understand the “why,” I realized I needed to see the glory! And that's when I understood He had answered my prayer, but in His time and in His will. I may never understand why, that’s not for me to know. But I can pray that God would reveal His glory in this situation. What good could come from what seemed only bad? If I exist to bring God glory, than so did Eli and so does A. This experience gave me the assurance that I can trust God because He never left me. Even when I couldn’t hear Him or see Him, He is there. So now I simply pray “show me Your glory,” let me see a glimpse of how Eli’s life honored You and how J, R and A’s lives are honoring You.

Once I came to understand this, the days became easier, but the grief remains. Sometimes, in quiet moments alone, I still cry for the baby I never got to hold. Some days I think back to March 2005, when miscarriages happened to “other women,” when I dreamed of the life my baby would have – and I long for that innocence. Some days I wish I didn’t understand the pain of a mother’s heart breaking over the death of her baby. I assembled an album to remember Eli and every April I take flowers to a park where a memorial tree has been planted in memory of children who have died.

And now I fully appreciate that if Eli had not died and introduced me to this world of loss, I would never have known A. A hundred times a day I tell A – or maybe I am reminding myself – I love him. I continue to learn about God’s love for me and I wait with anticipation to see what God does in A’s life and thank Him daily for the blessings of my beautiful children, all four of them!

Wow...what a life changing moment that was for me, and how many times I have come back to that moment..."show me Your Glory!"...not what I want to see, not all the answers, not the whole picture...just a glimpse of how this dark colored chapter is being used to paint a glorious picture of His love, grace, mercy...

What a preparation for this past summer, losing so much, almost our very lives, looking around at so much devastation and asking Him once again, to show me where His glory is being revealed through this experience. I would challenge you to try it...but be prepared! God is a mighty god and His plans are so magnificent and so beyond our human understanding. His Glory has been known to blind!