Foreboding Joy

Planning ahead. Being prepared. What if hubby lost his job? What if the house were destroyed? What if something happens to my husband or one of my children or me? What about a disaster, such as a tornado or problem at the nuclear plant? Do I have water and food for the coming storm? What about gas for the generator in case we lose power? Do I have the savings and insurance I need? Where would we go, what would we do? How would my kids be cared and provided for?

This planning, finding answers to these questions. brings a level of peace.But maybe there's a point at which the planning needs to stop and the joy in today needs to take over. The potential for loss and grief aren't minimized by planning or by "practicing being devastated". When trauma, disaster, loss happen am I really going to feel better because I had a plan? Or am I going to wish that I had spent at least a few of those planning moments taking in life and receiving joy.

(The steam from the local nuclear plant as seen from my front window.)


"We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don't want to be blindsided by hurt. We don't want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practiced being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment."
Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown, pg 121

Dr Brown suggests that I cannot selectively numb emotions. If I try to numb pain...I numb the joy by default. The only guarantee is that if I don't allow myself to experience joy and love, my reservoir will not have what I need when I face pain, loss and trauma (Kansas Ted Talk).

I feel Dr Brown has put something I've been struggling with into words. I don't feel at home and settled in our new house because I know it could all be taken away again and somehow if I'm not as attached it would be easier to let it go. But by not attaching, by being constantly prepared to lose my home, am I missing out on joy? Am I shrinking away from joy as a shield from loss? And then this crippling thought:  Is it a price I'm willing to pay?

Today I am choosing to focus on the joy, not because planning is bad or wrong or unnecessary, but because the planning needs to take a backseat to living...