Legacy

I have struggled with this post for several months, trying to process what I really want to share balanced with who I may hurt by what I have to say. I don't know that I have found all the answers yet, but feel the time has come to at least try and say it. So, here goes:

Many years ago, I came to the realization that my parents were imperfect, as were their parents before them and their parents before them and so on...and that I would be an imperfect parent as well. Perfectionism is a carrot to chase not a goal to reach. I can seek to be better, smarter, more organized and more prepared, but it won't make my perfect. I am human and I will make mistakes, as do all human beings. I can be frustrated with something my father did, my mother said, my grandmother criticized, but the reality is they did the best they could. In the moments when I am sure I am failing my children, I remind myself that I am doing the best I can. I allow myself a bit of grace and forgiveness, as I do my parents and those that shaped my childhood.

I accept this as truth, but something about it bothered me and it wasn't until I was in the throws of last fall (which I will blog more about next month) that I began to see that there was more to this. It is one thing to accept reality, but quite another to stay stagnant in it. I will never be perfect, but I can strive to be better. I cannot change the legacy (the things that happened in the past or that come from someone in the past) that was passed down to me, but I can strive to change it for the generations that I pass it down too.

And this is where the challenge comes, as I was journalling one afternoon, to identify the parts of my family's legacy that I am not ok with and take the steps needed to begin changing it. Here is what I wrote:

"I will break the patterns of emotional distancing, of the mindset that I am just a victim of my circumstances, of depression, of defeat to the 'way things have always been.' I am a God-bringer, His ambassador, His beloved, a child of the One True King. I am victorious in Christ and with Him working through me defeat is not in my vocabulary."

We went to see my dad shortly after I wrote this. It was the first time I had seen him in more than a decade. He had never met my two younger children, and my older two had been under four years old when they met him. He and I have always had a strained relationship, but on this trip I felt challenged to face reality and prepare to model the changes I wanted to make for our family, for future generations. As he distanced, I stood firm, communicating to the kids that this may be who grandpa is, but not who we are. As he made excuses, I knocked them down, affirming the truth the kids knew but were confused by. As he made empty promises which are so familiar to me, I confronted them, not allowing the pattern to continue. I validated the children's feelings, confirmed truth, combated lies (or half truths) and left feeling strong for the first time in my life and not like the victim I was so comfortable playing.

I want to be clear:  I love my father and I believe he loves me. I do not hold anger or resentment or unforgiveness towards my father. I am choosing not to believe the lies, not to accept the status quo, not to claim the helpless victim as my role. I am choosing to live in the truth, to seek the extraordinary, to be the conqueror.

I know I may not succeed at this venture, I am not perfect after all, but I would rather fail while attempting to try, than to have never tried at all. And maybe, just maybe, I can change the legacy enough to open future generations up to the possibilities that I am only dreaming of...and that is a legacy I am at peace with.

 "Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are"*

(*Be Thou My Vision)