I love the concept Dr Gary Chapman writes about, that there are different love languages. While everyone needs each of these (Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts), they don't hold the same value to each person. We all need to receive gifts, thoughtful gifts, the kind where someone obviously took time to get to know me and find something that would really bring me joy. But for some, they just really need hugs or time to talk without being rushed and interrupted, the dishes washed or a note or email that reminds them how special they are to me. Simply buying chocolates for everyone, while a nice gesture, does not speak of my love for them.
My kids each got a chocolate from us, because they really do like chocolate, but also because the little boxes had sayings that reminded us of each of the kids (one said "You're my favorite Super Hero!" another said "You're Puuurtty!"). Then they each got something else. One got a pair of cleat football shoes for playing in the yard this spring. One a new set of paints, as she is budding into quite the artist and wondered when she would be "good" enough for "real" paints. Another got a set of Spanish flash cards to help him with his desire to learn to speak Spanish. My point is, their gifts were thought out and not found on the red and pink aisle of the store. They also each reinforce our pleasure with their ventures and present an opportunity for us to spend time with them.
We have a term in our house that I have shared here before, the idea of an emotional "love tank." If my tank is low, I have little or even nothing to give. When my tank is full, or better yet overflowing, I feel good about myself and have extra to share and help fill your love tank. I am responsible for my own tank, but as a parent I am also responsible for my children's tanks. A one time fill-up on Valentine's day, or even spread between Valentine's Day, Christmas and their birthday, is not enough to keep my children's love tanks full all year. They need deposits daily, many times a day, and not just with gifts, but all five of the love languages. Last week we gave them some chocolates, yes, but we also fixed one of their favorite meals. We watched a movie together. I took one of the kids shopping alone with me. Today we took them sledding. Every day we hug them and tell them how important and special they are. I feel this is one of my most important roles as mommy.
But just as filling their love tanks is a daily need, so is mine! My husband has the ability to help me keep my tank full. When we go on date nights, we remind the children that we need to fill our love tanks too. We are not being selfish spending time without them, we are loving them. This quote really speaks to that thought: "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother." My husband did not bring me flowers on February 14th, but he did the next week and he did last month and he did the month before that. He didn't take me out to eat that night, but he did bring dinner home for the family so I didn't have to cook and he did take me out on a date that weekend. He shows me (and the children) how much he loves me every day.
I don't mind red and pink and chocolates and flowers, but I don't measure someone's love for me based on one day of the year. And while although my primary love language is "receiving gifts," that does not negate my need for the other four. Do you know what your love language is? Dr Chapman has a quiz you can take here.
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